Help!

Could I have your feedback, please?

I’ve been struggling with a paragraph of my new book.

So last Tuesday, I posted this message in the Tiny Book Writer’s Room:

This is the first paragraph of “My Last Hamburger,” the first chapter of my book. The chapter is 1347 words (for now) and these 87 have been so difficult to put together. I don’t know how many times I wrote and rewrote this paragraph. There’s so much information packed in it.

I needed to say:

• where I was living

• where I had my last hamburger

• who I had it with

• when exactly (day + date)

• that my friend came to visit me

All these details are necessary to set the background of the story. None of them are irrelevant to what comes next, so they need to be there. I asked so much from my sentences, but I hope I got it in the end.

My question is: does it sound natural? Does its structure jar you in any way at any point?

Here it is.

Thank you!

I had my last hamburger on Saturday 26th November 2011 in London, the city where I was living at the time. I had it in a pub with my friend Christian, who had come from Italy to visit me for the weekend. I remember that hamburger very well. It came with fries, mayonnaise, and a pint of beer. It took up most of the plate and it was perfect. I would never have imagined it was going to be the last piece of meat I’d ever eat.

Charles, one of the tiny book writers, replied:

Hi Fabio,

I don’t know if your primary audience is European or American, but for an American, the date reads as European (which is a little awkward - though I know you are European, so we make allowances). Americans would say November 26th, 2011.

Also, I might say: “I ate my last hamburger…”, rather than “I had my last hamburger”.

I might also say “…in London, where I was living at the time” (we know that London is a city). 

Finally, I might say “travelled” rather than “had come” or even:  “… I had it in a pub with my friend Christian from Italy, who was visiting for the weekend.”

Richard added:

Hi Fabio,

I think ending the first sentence with “London” would be punchier. It’s implied that you’re living there when you have a visitor. A short phrase explaining the visit from Christian could do similar work establishing the location.

Writing the date in the European way is consistent with where you were.  Keeping the day of the week registers another way you remember that moment. I think the long date works fine.

Cristina also made a comment…

Hello Fabio, I find your paragraph on your ‘Last Hamburger’ clear and to the point.

I felt your sentence ‘it took up most of the plate and it was perfect’ a meaningful sentence infused  of some of your, perhaps, still buried feelings (at the time) about being a meat eater who is unknowingly on their way to become vegan.

It leaves me as the reader truly interested in what happened next in yourself to move so far away from meat.

Not sure if this is the feedback that you are looking for...

After thanking everyone, I worked on the paragraph. Then I posted this:

I revised it.

I also added the next bit to show you where the story is going. Does this sound better?

Thank you very much again!

I ate my last hamburger on Saturday night, November 26, 2011. I was living in London back then, and that night I was having dinner in a typical British pub with my friend Christian, who had travelled from Italy to visit me. I remember that hamburger very well. It came with fries, mayonnaise, and a pint of beer. It took up most of the plate and it was perfect. I would never have imagined it was going to be the last piece of meat I’d ever eat.

Christian flew back home on Sunday, and I was alone in my studio apartment. Giada*, my girlfriend at the time, was still on a weekend trip to Barcelona with her friends, so I had some quiet time for myself.

____________

*not her real name

I’m quite happy about it, but there’s still something that’s making me scratch my head.

Adi pointed out:

I like the newer version.

I don't think you need to say Saturday night, November 26, 2011 - you mention that it was night time in the following sentence. I'd drop the word 'night'- the date is enough.

Sooo…

I’m almost there.

How would you revise the first two sentences of this intro paragraph?

Or maybe they don’t need any further editing…?

Here they are again:

I ate my last hamburger on Saturday night, November 26, 2011. I was living in London back then, and that night I was having dinner in a typical British pub with my friend Christian, who had travelled from Italy to visit me.

Please leave a comment. Any of your feedback is highly appreciated.

Thank you! 🙏🏻

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(This is the type of interaction we have in the Tiny Book Writer’s Room)

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